I was recently sent an article by Ella Rachel Kerr that talked about her experience with D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) while breastfeeding, and I walked away inspired by what she shared.
In it, Ella talks about being overcome with excruciating dread the moment her baby begins to suck while breastfeeding and having no answers as to what was going on.
It’s when she finally finds out about D-MER that made the biggest impact on me as a reader. It was that feeling, that moment in knowing she’s not alone and that her feelings were all valid that is absolutely everything.
I knew I had to reach out to Ella in hopes of sharing her vital experience so that those who are also experiencing this know that they’re not alone. We’re lucky to have Ella here to talk more with us.
Ella, thank you for your time! You’re making such a positive impact by sharing your story. Could you tell us more about what you were experiencing and feeling when your baby was latching while breastfeeding?
Thanks so much for having me here, I think sharing stories is so powerful and I am excited to share my story with you and your community! When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I had always planned on breastfeeding, and was excited about it as many mothers mentioned how it creates a bond between mama and baby. But once I came out of that initial postpartum exhaustion, perhaps a week after giving birth, I started to notice something strange every time my baby latched on to eat. Her initial latch caused feelings of intense dread that lasted until she was finished eating and released her latch.
While most new moms are familiar with the baby blues, or the sad feelings due to hormonal shifts the first few days after birth, this felt different. My baseline was optimistic and positive, and the intense negative feelings only occurred when my baby nursed. It was really a strange feeling and being a first time mom I didn’t know what to make of it. It felt awkward and strange to describe or bring up to other people. Friends had suffered from postpartum depression, and they spoke about consistent negative feelings, but I really only felt this intense sadness when I was nursing. Not knowing why I was feeling this way caused even more distress, because I had never heard anyone describe the symptoms I had been feeling!
That had to have been really difficult not having answers as to what was going on. You share in the article that you had been searching online for answers, but it took some time before you found out about D-MER. What was it like searching your symptoms and feelings and not getting clear answers?
It was isolating and confusing! In the heaps of research during pregnancy and after birth, I had never encountered anyone talking about negative feelings associated with the baby latching. Societal pressures also made me feel like I should be in “newborn bliss” and that my negative feelings were somehow my own fault. But after several weeks, the intense dread that occurred when nursing was really impacting my well-being and preventing me from successfully feeding my baby, so I started doing a ton of research.
I think one of the reasons it was difficult for me to find the correct answers was because it sounded so bizarre and when I explained it to people, it sounded hard to believe. “Really, you are totally fine until the second the baby latches on and then you are totally fine the second she releases her latch?” I imagined people saying.
Because I had never heard anyone describe this feeling before, I assumed it was all in my head. Or that I had postpartum depression and wasn’t acknowledging that. Or that I simply wasn’t “strong” enough to be a mother. It turns out that none of that was true, and I was suffering from a condition called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER). But I had never heard of this condition, so I didn’t know how to cope. That’s a very lonely feeling.
Absolutely. So often we struggle in isolation out of fear of what talking about it could result in. Could you talk to us about the moment you found out about D-MER? What did it feel like finding information that validated your experience?
It was a total relief, and so incredibly validating! I know many women can relate to the feeling of not being believed or being perceived as “crazy” or “dramatic” when describing a condition or situation that others don’t readily identify with. But when I finally encountered the phrase “D-MER” I was instantly certain this is what I was suffering from.
I learned that the dopamine levels in breastfeeding people drop to release milk, which occurs when the baby latches on to feed. The majority of people don’t even notice this drop. However, for those with D-MER, the dopamine drop is felt incredibly intensely and leaves the person who is nursing feeling hopeless, helpless, depressed, and for some people, with thoughts of suicide. Then, when the baby releases their latch, the dopamine levels rise and all is well once again.
The night I found out about D-MER, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders! Realizing that this was a hormonal and physiological condition, and not the result of my shortcomings or a reflection of me as a mother was such an incredible relief.
Wow, I’m sure it was! One study estimates that D-MER affects as many as 9% of lactating people. With 3.66 million babies born each year in the U.S. at a breastfeeding rate of 83%, that’s possibly more than 273,000 people affected each year in the U.S. by D-MER. And yet, this is not a commonly spoken about condition. Why do you think that is?
I think it’s a hard thing to talk about! Mental health struggles, especially surrounding motherhood, are scary. There is a lot of shame associated with the postpartum period, so women are hesitant to share their stories.
But just as our society is slowly coming around to accepting and providing support for those who suffer from postpartum depression, my hope is that the same thing will happen for other postpartum conditions like D-MER. If we are brave enough to stand up and share our experiences, and our experiences are received with compassion and support instead of judgment, then I believe we can help women all over the world who are navigating the challenges of postpartum.
Absolutely. You’re helping so much by sharing your own story now. And what did you discover that helps you the most while experiencing D-MER?
For the majority of women, D-MER is most intense for the first three months and then starts to subside. Oftentimes, individuals who experience this will feel encouraged by this, and hang on through the challenges of nursing for those initial three months with the hopes of a resolution soon after. However, my symptoms were negatively impacting my life and my relationship with my baby, so after about two months of nursing and with the support of my OBGYN, I got on nursing-safe antidepressants to help me through this period.
While medication isn’t the answer for everyone, it allowed me to continue to nurse my daughter and feel more confident and comfortable in a body that was now taking care of another human! I have talked with some mothers who experienced D-MER and were able to overcome the unpleasant feelings with a TV show or a snack, and I think that’s great if you are able to effectively navigate D-MER this way. However, my symptoms were so encompassing that I knew I needed a more serious solution if I were to continue to breastfeed.
I think that’s great you touched on there being many ways that can help, and you found what worked best for you. Finally, for anyone reading this who is experiencing what you did, what would you want to tell them?
That your journey with feeding your baby is unique, and it may look different than what you initially planned! I held a lot of judgment for myself as I struggled to feed my daughter. Not only did that not help my anxiety and depression, it made them worse! Looking back, I wish I had given myself the grace to ask for help sooner, use formula when necessary, and remind myself that this challenging period of life is not forever.
For anyone who is experiencing D-MER, or any other type of struggle postpartum, I want you to know that you are doing a great job and you are not alone. Deciding how to feed your baby doesn’t come with “right” and “wrong” answers. It comes from making the choice of what is best for you and your family. You got this, mama!
Ella, thank you for your time. You’re a shining light, and I appreciate you.
-Leigh
Founder of Leaxy
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To learn more about Ella and read more of her work, you can visit ellakerr.com.